Intermission

Success as a state of mind, not a step on a ladder.

I don't know what else to write lately. Been meaning to conjure up something that is remotely eye-opening (at least to me). Suddenly, reflecting on my life in text is a difficult thing to do. I find myself choosing which mask to present to the world and to myself, as if to hide my insecurities and to assure myself that I have everything under control. Amidst a battle between control and letting it be, like angels and demons. Or Constantine. Through this struggle, I end up becoming disillusioned.

Sometimes I forget how much fun it is to be in college. Drove to Lake City the other night for Wendy's with the Young'ns, like a soccer mom. Sitting and eating my non-iron-filled meal, it's nice to be carried away by talks of homework and finals. Even through nights of solitary confinement in front of books, you are reassured by the thought of how there are others suffering your sleepless nights.

I think, this is why, I am unfulfilled with the post-collegiate routine. Like slowly drinking this cup of life away, without refilling it. I'm ambitious and have high hopes. More and more, I become impatient with others who do not share an ambition, and yet maybe I am only jealous of their contentment. With ambition comes loneliness and restlessness. Discontentment with oneself and of stagnant progress. If there is no movement, is it worth your effort to go for a ride in it anyway? I am stuck in this linear contempt for the ordinary. Going from point A to point B is pretty self-destructive in the assumption that you need to be someone new by the time you reach your destination.

Despite the self-destruction, I somehow want to be extraordinary, and will go a long way to become extraordinary. The problem with our generation is that we have the attitude of "I get what I want, and I want it now." The emergence of populous-generated content for the media has created this feeling of entitlement for everything. Our parents sacrificed much to give us a better life, and so this "better life" fed, is free for our taking. What exactly is it?

Success = Better Life?

I have no idea what it is, or how the top equation factor into my life right now. What does "better" mean? I hardly feel successful each month that I pay the bills. And yet, I measure success in knowing that my parents won't have to worry much.

Always the skeptic, sometime in the future success will be measured in my ability to settle and be happy about it.