Choices (04/05/2005)

Originally written and performed for Filipino Night 2005: A Family Affair.

ive been meaning to ask myself
what is it that ive been wanting to do
with that question as to why
i chose to be a filipino
not american even if ive got the papers, a passport, and privileges
not filipino american where i possess dual identity, choosing either or both
not even asian or pacific islander any more
all of which are fluid consciousness im willing to traverse
travel to different countries difference names different papers place of destination
i dont wanna deal with all that so i choose just one

i was born a filipino
emerged from filipino parents, strict parents and grandparents who toiled the soil with their soul and blood-stained fingers
ive got a flat nose black hair brown eyes and dimples but thats not why
what i am is not who i am and who i could be

who i am is the rise and fall of the tide when the moon shines when the sun rises from east to west
and on the coast the ocean rolls to and fro against the sand that tickles under my feet
it should show in the way i say my words
ive got a twang of every spice and cuisine ive ever tasted in my life
and the way i flow the way i dance the way i like to hold hands at night or in the morning or dusk to watch the sunset in the corner of my imagination
though im in the northwest the ocean the pacific and south china sea calls my name eternally

what i am is not who i say i am and could never be
i long to be like the wind that whispers in the breeze on a sunny day or when it rains and your pants are wet from the puddle some guy stepped on so
youre drenched
but you smile anyway because its another day a couple dollars for coffee coz you couldnt sleep at night from the stress you gotta deal with
the question of life
why the world is round and ugly but beautiful and tangible
almost edible as you lick and taste the flavor from the morsel on your tongue
like a delicate filet mignon or the sweet 3 musketeers bar you found in your jacket from two days ago

and you still eat it
because mom always tells me not to waste food
back home children are starving from the unfairness of life and poverty
left them on the streets begging for you to nocie the bones sticking out from each side of their ribs
from hunger and sickness and hopelessness of their situation
youd think theyd just fall over and wither away in front of your eyes and become invisible
because to everyone else
they are
yet they still smile courageously and wake up everyday as if yesterday never existed

that is beautiful

like the day you realize you were different from everyone else coz youre special
or when someone remembers your birthday when you dont expect them to
or the way your father calls everyday every minute every second from worry because youre thousands of miles away
its the way it feels to be warm when seattle is cold in the fall winter and even spring
and the cherry blossom blooms leaving trails and steps of petals where you walk the wind picks up
and you feel welcomed to be whoever you want to be at that moment in time despite anything that hinders your way

that feeling that sweet helplessness and power stirring your senses awake in the morning from 3 hours of sleep
but youre still up to face another day another dollar to spend another chance to carve your name on the stone with the same blood-stained fingers
to make a difference with a brown face
and the brown skin sewn with the sacrifices of the people before you
theyre not wasted
still burning still aflamed still living inside through your veins still whispering sweet melodies of time etched in your face
that is why....

theres your answer i'm ready for the
next question